It has been almost 4 years since I lost my son Jake to suicide on 23rd August 2015. Trying to save someone that you cannot save is soul destroying, it really is. Jake was very poorly for 10 months before he died and it is difficult to find the right words to fully describe what we both went through. I weighed less than 7 stone before Jake died and as I use this site to Blog I will try to explain, remember and capture the chaos, the humour the warmth and the ‘much love’ that Jake and I shared.
I can say with absolute confidence that Jake trusted me and he knew that he could tell me anything (sometimes he told me more than a mother really wants to know). I know that he 100% knew that it didn’t matter to me how long it took for him to get better, what mistakes he thought he had made and he knew that I would be there every step of the way and yet he took his own life. This was extremely difficult for me to understand and leaves you with that all important ‘WHY?‘. It wasn’t until a colleague at work pointed out to me that it mattered to him. Knowing this and accepting this are two different things. Perhaps a clue was when on one of our many visits to A&E when Jake was in crisis he told the Mental Health Nurse that he would not be able to carry on living because he was only 20% Jake and he needed to be 70% Jake so that he could work on being 100% Jake.
In the first few months after Jake died I remember someone saying to me that I should Blog and share my experiences because what I have seen, experienced and learned surely could help others. I remember when Jake was so unwell, feeling totally alone and that it was my responsibility to save him and as much as I am a reasonably intelligent woman, who is confident and articulate, Jake took me into a world that I just did not understand. I only know logical, rational, practical, caring, loving, these things just did not touch the sides and It felt like mission impossible at times and the battle with health services is another blog entirely.
So this is my first attempt at blogging and I hope that others can take something from my experiences and that the drive for awareness and change just gets stronger and the voice gets louder.